I Love You More
by SpectrumLove
Summary: After his break-up with Wendy, Stan knows he's lost his soul mate, and no one, not even Kyle, can free him from his depression. But can the new girl drag him out of it, or will be emo, depressing, and moody for the rest of his life? Prequel to Indecision.
1. Broken

**This is a sidestory/prequel to Indecision. You DO NOT have to have read Indecision to understand this.**

**Author: SPECTRUM LARKA**

It's so strange how when my life stops, everything else keeps going. Right then my soul felt empty and alone, and I was isolated and cut off from humanity. Yet, outside, people were walking by. The sun was shining. The day continued.

Across from me was my backpack and my history paper, which had only my name written on it. My history book was unopened in my backpack. My papers were folded neatly in my folders. Nothing had been touched. My cell phone had zero messages in it's inbox.

"Are you sure I can't get you something?" The waitress asked, chewing her bubble gum loudly and obnoxiously, tapping her pen in an endless rhythm against her notepad. "Some coffee? A scone? This is a café, not a public park."

"I'm fine," I told her, wondering if the manager would notice if I punched her in the face. He probably would. I decided against doing anything that drastic and curled farther into my chair, hoping she would go away.

Eventually she did, and I stayed in my chair, hands wrapped around my knees. A few people stared, but not enough to make me uncomfortable.

The waitress who'd bothered me had headed behind counter and into the back of the café and reappeared a moment later with a short, fat man behind her with a thick mustache who reminded me of an older Cartman.

"Excuse me, but if you're not going to buy anything, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the man told me. I balled my hands into fists, ready to punch him in the face, and then, before I took things too far, grabbed my backpack and leapt up.

Outside, the wind was starting to pick up, and the cold felt good on my skin. I ripped off my jacket and dropped it on the sidewalk. I welcomed the cold. Now the outside of my skin was as cold as the inside of my heart.

"Excuse me," I heard a voice call out behind me. "You dropped your jacket."

I didn't care. I didn't need a jacket anymore. I didn't even care if I got sick.

"Uh, sir, you dropped your jacket!" The persistent voice nagged at me. "Influenza is very common this time of year, you could catch cold, or swine flu!"

What a bitch. She sounded like such a smart ass, like she knew everything. I rounded on her. "I don't want my fucking coat, okay?! Stop bothering me, I don't want my coat! "

I instantly felt bad. She was a short girl, not more then 5'3", and she had a hurt look on her face. She was clutching my jacket in one hand and she took a step backward. "Are you sure? I mean, you look like you're freezing."

Things couldn't get any worse. I was alone because my girlfriend had left me, I got kicked out of my favorite café, and I'd yelled at a pretty girl who I didn't even know. "I-I'm sorry I'm being so rude..."

She smiled. "It's all right. We all have problems to deal with, right?"

Why was she so goddamn nice?! I'd told her I didn't want the jacket and swore at her, and she was completely unfazed.

"Here, let me help you," she told me, and leapt forward with my jacket, wrapping it around my shoulders. "Nice to meet you, I'm Marie. Lila Marie, actually--it's my full name; not that my first name is a compound name or anything, like Anna Lee, but Marie is my last name. It's an interesting story, actually, but I do have a tendency to ramble..."

What a weird girl. "Oh...that's great."

Lila smiled at me and then her smiled quickly changed. "Are you feeling okay? Your eyes seem a bit bloodshot, and you feel sort of clammy."

Lila took my hands in her own, which were tiny and lithe, and pressed my hands to her cheeks. "Oh, you're so cold!"

I pulled away, my immediate aim to get as far away as possible from the strange girl before me. "I'll be fine, really...I just have to go home."

"Okay then," smiled Lila. "Well, have a nice day, uh..."

"Stan."

"Have a nice day, Stan!" Lila smiled at me and skipped around the corner, vanished like a light. So brief. Just like Wendy.

I was on my own again, in my darkness. Lila had been a pleasant distraction, but now that she was gone there was nothing but my dark soul, and soon I was sucked back into it. There was no light in my world.

I wandered aimlessly, around blocks and streets, observing people going about their daily business, completely unaware of how much suffering someone like myself was going through. The sun sunk low in the sky, painting everything a sunset-rose color, like the city was bleeding. The sun sunk even lower, and eventually people stopped walking by. It was almost 10 PM now, and there were almost no people out. Occasionally a person would walk by, but for the most part the only people out were goth kids and hoodlums.

It started getting very later, and my lids were heavy. I was so alone, everything was so dark, so cold...Wendy had left me here alone, by myself. She'd abandoned me here.

I headed back to my apartment, the cold wind biting at my nose. I was actually grateful that Lila had picked up my coat now, because I would be frozen solid without it. As soon as I reached the brick building, I flung the door open, ran up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, and kicked my door open.

"Dude...I heard about you and Wendy," Kyle was sitting on the couch, homework strewn about him. "I...I'm really sorry. I knew how much she meant to you."

I shook him off, dropping my backpack on the chair. "Whatever. You have no idea what it's like."

I guess Kyle recognized that I needed my space. He was about to say something, but then he backed off.

I walked into my room and fell face-down onto my bed. Wendy and I had sat on this bed together. We'd made out on this bed.

I could see her now, her black hair framing her angel's face, her puppy dog eyes looking at me, her skin perfectly tanned. I knew how she smelled, too, like cocoa beans and new paper, from the Kinko's where she always photo-copied the instructions for her long-term homework assignments.

We'd been here together, a few weeks ago.

_I'd sat down on my bed, yanking my math book out of my backpack. Math had always been my worst subject, and I'd easily persuaded Wendy to come in and help me with it._

_"Alright, let's be serious now," flirted Wendy. She pulled out her math book. "Which chapter are you on?"_

_"Oh, I don't know," I laughed, and then I flipped through the book. "Trigonometry...algebra...something."_

_"Let's at least _try _and focus, hmm?" Wendy had said, and then completely undermined her point by lying down on my bed and stretching. "Ah, that feels good."_

_Color instantly rose to my face, and Wendy noticed._

_"What's wrong, Stan?" Wendy asked in mock innocence. "Do you have a fever?"_

_Wendy rolled over to my side of the bed and pressed her hand against my forehead. I'd let out a deep breath. Her hand was so soft, so warm and comforting._

_"Wendy...you're distracting me from my math," I muttered into her hair, and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close._

_Wendy kissed my cheek and gently trailed kisses down to my shoulder, and I moaned. "...Wendy..."_

_Wendy pulled away and reached up and brushed a strand of hair out of my face, and then grabbed my math book._

_"Aww, Wendy," I laughed, pulling her closer. "Math already?"_

God I missed her. We'd only been broken up for three days and I missed her. I missed her with all my heart and soul, like she'd ripped it out when she left.

"Stan..." I heard Kyle gently knocking on my door. "Stan, are you hungry?"

"No!" I screamed, beating my pillows angrily with my fists. "Go away!"

"O..Okay," I heard Kyle back away. "If you need any food, I have pizza."

I heard his footsteps patter away. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now; not Kyle, not Kenny, not Clyde, or Craig, or Butters, or even Cartman. No one.

I was so alone.

At some point, I must've fallen asleep. The sweet embrace of the abyss overtook me.

* * *

"Stan?" I heard Kyle knocking on my door. "Stan?!"

I opened my eyes, which were groggy and heavy with sleep. I was so exhausted.

My door creaked open and Kyle came in, his eyes full of concern. "Stan, do you need anything? It's past noon and you really should eat something."

I shook my head and he left.

Things continued like that.

Thank God for Kyle. Without him, I probably would've died. He fed me, occasionally locked me in the bathroom until I showered, and shoved slices of pizza into my room from under the door. He was the world's best roommate.

* * *

One week later, I saw Lila again.

* * *

I was at Starbucks. Kyle had kicked me out of the house, stating that it was "unhealthy for me to spend all my time inside and he'd never seen me this way before". I hadn't wanted to go anywhere, so I'd gone next door to the nearest building. Starbucks.

I grabbed a coffee cake and bought one, paying no attention to it at all. I instead focused on the people around me, trying to keep myself focused so I didn't break down in public. I listened to their chatter, listening to them going about their lives, with their own

"..yeah, and I was like, no! But she did say it..."

"...yes, one scone, please, no blueberries..."

"...Yeah! Eight blueberry scones with sugar-coating, one peppermint latté, one gingerbread-mocha latté--oh, both grandé size! Oh, oh..is that cinnamon? I love cinnamon! Two of those please, oh, and three of those doughnuts!"

Whoever was behind me was holding up the entire line with her gigantic order. I turned around, expecting a fat chick wearing baggy clothes, and instead was greeted by a someone short, bouncing up and down in excitement.

Lila.

They threw a bunch of bags on the counter, crowded and stuffed full with scones and cakes and all varieties of different foods.

"Oh, hey Staaa~aan," giggled Lila. "Fancy seeing you here. Are you feeling better?"

"Oh. Hey." Other then Kyle, Lila was the only person I'd spoken to since I broke up with Wendy. Kenny had called four times, Butters twice, and Cartman once, for whatever reason. I hadn't picked up any of those calls.

Lila gathered up her bags in her arms, carrying all of her baked goods to a small table in the corner and then returned to stand next to me to wait for her drinks.

"You seem upset," she remarked, her eyes creased into a frown.

"Yeah." I grunted, not interested in conversation. Why couldn't she just leave me alone?

"What happened?" She asked. "Terminal illness? Lawsuit? Financial troubles?"

"Uh..." I retreated back into my darkness, away from people. I didn't want to be near anyone right now, especially not a female. "I, uh...broke up with my girlfriend."

It was the first time I'd said it. _I broke up with my girlfriend. _I'd never said those six words before.

Lila's expression was one of sympathy and understand; even kindness. There was something in her eyes, an emerald spark, that made me just want to melt. I thought of Wendy with a pang.

"I'm so sorry," she told me. "I know what you're going through."

"No, you don't," I scoffed, lashing out at her in pain and fear. "No one does."

Lila took on a sorrowful look and shook her head. "You're not alone, Stan. Plenty of people have gone through break-ups. And from the looks of things you haven't been taking it too well."

Was it that obvious? Kyle had made me shower, so it wasn't like I smelled. But I sure had lost weight, at least 9 pounds or so. My clothes were dirty, and I had deep circles under my eyes.

"So what if I'm not taking it well?" I bickered, narrowing my eyes. "Wendy is my soul mate. The love of my life, the moon to my sun. I'm nothing without her."

"Oh, please," Lila's scoff was slightly offensive, actually. "Listen, you need to move on."

"Why?" Tears sprung to my eyes, and I held them back. "She was my soul mate, I've known her since 3rd grade. We were meant for each other."

"Well obviously not, if she left you," Lila pointed out bluntly. "What are you hoping to achieve by moping, exactly?"

Silence.

"Exactly." Lila told me, a smile on her face. "There's nothing you can do now. What's happened has happened, and you need to move on with your life, like she has."

I hated how reasonable Lila was being. She was coaxing me out of my shell, little by little, and I didn't want to be coaxed. I wanted to stay alone and far away from people. I was very close to punching Lila.

"Wendy would never do this in my situation," I told her. "If I'd dumped Wendy...she would try and get me back."

"Stan..." Lila smiled at my, projecting her optimism and happiness onto me. "You're better then that. If she doesn't want your love then don't give it to her! You deserve someone who loves you just as much you love them."

"Whatever." God I hated how logical she was being. "I'm sure taking _your _advice would be great, right? Don't you have some boyfriend to run home to? Or at least a party, with all the food you're getting."

"That's not very nice." Lila stuck her tongue out at me. "And yes, if that's your way of asking if I'm single, I have a boyfriend. His name is Luke."

"I wasn't asking you if you were single," I snapped, and grabbed my drink, which had conveniently arrived a few seconds ago. "Bye, Lila."

"Bye, Stan!"

Lila disappeared from my view again, and I opened my cell phone. Move on, my ass. I was fine the way I was. Not happy, but doing fine. I could live without Wendy. It wouldn't be a happy life, and it wouldn't be a very enjoyable life, but it would at least be an existence.

Yes, I would be fine.


	2. Sore

**Author: Spectrum Larka**

I was lying face-down on my bed. I felt sick to my stomach. Life was so monotonous. I did nothing all day, every day. There was nothing for me to do. Kyle still provided for me and tried to talk to me, but I pushed him away. Everything was so dark and meaningless without Wendy.

On the three week anniversary of us being broken up, I actually did something. I got up and went around my room, disposing of everything that Wendy had given me or that reminded me of her.

The stuffed bear she'd given me for my birthday, pencils she'd lent to me that I'd never returned, pieces of paper she'd written on...everything. I had two boxes full of stuff by the end of my...cleaning.

"Stan?" Kyle knocked on my door, hearing movement. "Are you up? Do you want to go the movies with Red and I?"

Red and Kyle had been dating for months now. The idea of going to the movies with a...couple...no way.

"Uh, no, I'm good," I called out. "I'm just organizing some stuff."

"Okay," sighed Kyle. "We'll bring you back some Chinese food, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks," I called out, shuffling the boxes into my closet.

I heard the door shut as Kyle left for the movies with Red. I returned to my bed and curled up on my side, dreaming of Wendy.

* * *

Late at night, at about 11, I woke up. I opened my door, and I noticed Kyle wasn't home yet. Probably spending the night with Red. So much for the Chinese food.

I headed out of our apartment and put on my jacket, hoping to grab some snacks or something from the Starbucks for dinner. As I got outside, I noticed how deserted the city was. This was the way I liked it.

"Mmmmm, yeah."

I turned around, and a buildings away there was a couple. I felt bile rise in my throat, and I backed up, unable to tear my eyes from them. The girl looked so much like Wendy, long black hair and creamy skin. Her arms were wrapped around a slightly overweight guy who looked like he was lucky to be scoring such a hot girl. Wendy had held me like that...

"You're a great kisser," snickered the guy. "Stan is really missing out."

Stan?! I headed over casually, trying not too look to hard. I observed out of the corner of my eye.

It was my Wendy.

Her hands were weaved into the other guy's hair, and their faces were practically locked together. He reached up and wrapped his hands around her back, and I knew who it was.

"ERIC CARTMAN, YOU DIRTY BASTARD!!" I was screaming now, my mind frantic with rage and hate.

"Stan?" I heard Wendy's voice, innocent and sweet, ring out in surprise. She'd done this deliberately to hurt me, she was making out with Eric fucking Cartman right outside where I lived.

I balled up my fist and, putting all of my fury into it, threw a punch at Eric. It hit him solidly in the nose, and he careened backwards into the wall.

"Oh my god, Eric!" Wendy squealed, and she kneeled on the ground, grabbing at his arm.

"S'alright, babe," Eric tried to keep a straight face, but I could see the blood trickling out of his nose. "Now listen, Stan, we still cool, right? I mean-"

I swung again, punching him square in the jaw. He hit the back brick wall with the force of my punch and his weight, and when he opened his mouth again I saw one of his gums were bleeding. His face twisted into a grimace and he swung a punch at me, but he'd never been very good at sports and he missed. He'd put too much weight into the punch , though, and he careened into the street.

"Eric!" Wendy called out, and she leapt forward, pulling him back onto his feet. "Stan?! What the hell have you done?!"

"Fuck you, bitch!!" I screamed, and turned and ran into Starbucks, hoping to God she wouldn't follow. And, to my immense relief, she didn't.

"Stan?"

"Lila..." I panted, rubbing the fist I'd punched Eric with. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm an insomniac," Lila explained, sitting at a smaller table with three scones. "What are you doing up? Is something wrong?"

"Wendy is dating Eric Cartman," I told her, tears streaming down my face. "My Wendy is dating Eric Cartman. Such a fat bastard."

"Your girlfriend is dating someone else?" Lila patted the chair next to her. "Have a seat."

I sat down, tears streaming down my face. I curled up next to Lila and sobbed, my head in my hands. What had I done to deserve this? Why would my girlfriend leave me for someone as racist and awful Eric Cartman? Was I really that horrible?

"Quiet, Stan, shh," cooed Lila. "Everything will be fine, I'm sure."

"Who're you to be telling me that?!" I pulled away from Lila. She was so fake, so plastic. She was trying to be something she wasn't, pretending to be one of those caring, shallow girls. "Get away from me."

Lila shrugged. "I'm just trying to help."

"What is wrong with you?!" I growled. "You think you have the right to force you advice on me?"

"No," she said, but provided no further answer. "But you should at least listen to me. I feel bad, seeing someone in so much pain. No one deserves to suffer like that."

I really hated Lila. Maybe she was stalking me. I got up to leave, eager to be away from people and back in my darkness. Everything hurt, but it hurt less there.

"Don't go," said Lila. "You might run into Wendy and Eric again. Is that what you want?"

As much as I hated to admit it, Lila was right. I couldn't handle seeing Wendy or Eric again right now. I sat back down, in the other corner of the Starbucks. The whole place was empty, which was unusual for a Starbucks, and it was pretty deserted.

"Want a scone?" Lila offered, holding up one of the six scones lying across her table. I shook my head. "Alright then. More for me."

I watched in fascination as Lila ate her way through four of them, licking her fingers after each. Who ate that many scones in one sitting, anyway? There was nothing else interesting to do, and I hadn't brought a book or my iPod. In addition, I didn't even have enough money for a scone for myself.

Lila noticed me staring at her and put down her half eaten fifth scone. "Listen, are you sure you don't want to eat a scone?"

I grunted and half-limped half-slid over to Lila's table and sat down. She cheerfully munched on her fifth scone and nudged one over to me, and I picked it apart, not really eating it.

"That's such a waste of a scone," sighed Lila, looking at my broken scone like it was causing her physical pain to see me do this. "You should never waste food. If you're not hungry, you should save it for later."

"Nnph," I told her, taking tiny bites of it at a time.

"So," she said, eating some more scone. "who are you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, violently stabbing my scone. "I told you already, I'm Stan."

"Yes, well, that's not what I meant," Lila smiled. "Okay, I'll start. My name is Lila, which I told you already, and I have one sister and I live in an apartment."

"My name is Stan," I told her, my voice low. "I have one sister and I also live in an apartment."

"AAaaw, see?" Lila said. "I knew you had a soul."

I scoffed and remained picking at my scone in silence.

"Okay, seriously?" Lila said in what was the closest thing I'd heard her use to an annoyed tone. "You're being really depressing. Your negative energy is really bringing me down."

"Then I'll leave," I told her, standing up.

"Oh, no, don't go!" Lila's eyes widened and she looked up at me with eyes I usually expected from Wendy. Wendy. "I-I'm sorry, please stay!"

"Why do you even care?" I grumbled and sat back down.

"I don't have a lot of friends, see," began Lila. "Back in high school they made fun of me because I always wore my sister's hand-me-downs and I guess I lost my temper. I hit this one kid with a chair and after that no one would talk to me."

Lila was quite a freak. How did I end up here? My girlfriend dumped me for a fat, anti-semitic, racist, overweight asshole and I was eating scones with a short girl who assaulted a kid with a chair.

"Well that's great," I told her. "Have you resolved your anger issues or should I just leave now before you assault me with something?"

"That's a good one," laughed Lila, oblivious to my insult. "But I never had anger issues. I just want people to like me is all."

"So you hit someone with a chair?" I finally took a small bite of my scone. "That's a great way to make people like you."

"That's not it!!" Lila pouted, finishing her last scone. "I was just--oh! We're out of scones."

"You're not seriously getting more, are you?" I was incredulous, watching her sweep up all the bags and dump them in the garbage.

"I'm completely serious," she told me, dusting the crumbs off her hand. "I love scones."

"I noticed," I told her. "But you haven't told me why you attacked someone with a chair."

"It wasn't really attacking," she told me, pulling out her messenger bag and rifling through it. "He just made me so...sad, I guess. Tara had already graduated, and I picked up the chair next to me and threw it at him."

"Wow." I had to admit, imagining Lila doing that was startling. "I had no idea I was talking to a violent criminal."

"I'm not a criminal," Lila fished her money out of her bag and stuck her tongue out at me. "I haven't hurt anyone since, honest. I'm a die hard pacifist."

"Interesting you'd use the words 'die hard' to describe pacifism," I told her, watching as she got up and headed over the counter.

"Four blueberry scones please, lots of sugar!" Lila gave a little jump in anticipation. "Oh, Stan, do you want any different flavor? They have peach, too!"

"I'm fine," I told her, fiddling with my pockets.

"Okay then, four blueberry scones please," Lila told the clerk. "Thank you!!"

She grabbed the bags, two in each hand, and practically tripped back to our table.

"You eat a lot." I commented, wishing I had something to with my hands other then fold them in my lap.

"No wonder your girlfriend broke up with you," frowned Lila. "That's not a nice thing to tell a girl."

I knew she meant it as a joke, but having Lila say that hurt. It was so soon, and I saw it again in my mind. Eric, his hand slowly creeping up Wendy's back as they made out next to my building.

"Hey, are you alright?" Lila cocked her head and I was immediately reminded of Wendy. They were so similar, but so different. "I'm sorry if I upset you."

"No, no, it's fine." For the first time in months, I didn't feel angry at Lila for being logical and trying to drag me out of my depression. I felt nothing but gratitude towards someone who was friendly to me when I was depressed.

"See, you're feeling better already!" Lila chirruped, and then I heard a ringing and buzzing sound from her messenger bad. "Oh, I have to go. Luke and I are going to the movies!"

"Oh." I felt sick to my stomach again. Everything felt sort of dark, and Lila skipped out of Starbucks. I got up and went back to the apartment, climbing up the stairs, my feet feeling like lead.

"Hey Stan," smiled Kyle from his position on the couch. "Dude, do you want to play Halo ODST? I got pizza."

"Uh, no thanks..." I said, shrugging him off and dropping my bag on the couch. "Hey, did my boss call?"

"Yup," said Kyle. "You're fired. He called two days ago asking why you hadn't come to work in three weeks."

"Great," I breathed and headed straight to my room, ready for another night of dreamless sleep.


End file.
